Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family