Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
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“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish