“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
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Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.