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As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Based Erika
War & Peace
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge