writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
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Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?