“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
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Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”