Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
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Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I know
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.