You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
You Might Also Like
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Go hard or stay average
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings