Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
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Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I’ll be mad as hell!
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.