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Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart