[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
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My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.