There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
You Might Also Like
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?