Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
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“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold