We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
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If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I love the honesty
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.