Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
You Might Also Like
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
what?
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.