Kentucky names the shit out of places
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White parent Vs Arab parents
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.