I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
You Might Also Like
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*