Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
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Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.