Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
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Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.