look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
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I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
How all things should be taught/explained.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words