An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Me recordaron éste meme
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.