Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
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There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
nice challenge
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.