me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
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Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Dishonest mechanic?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Good morning
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.