*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
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I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.