Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
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I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
*skinny dips into black hole
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.