Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
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there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!