100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
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Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Perfect
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Message from the dog groomers
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
This was the best day of my life
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.