Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
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I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Siri: Retweet me.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.