I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
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Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.