What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
You Might Also Like
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.