The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
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Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.