I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”