“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
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judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
🙋♀️
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.