“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
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Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why