My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
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Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
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“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
My dryer is celebrating lint.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.