Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
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Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage