my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
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ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Good morning, Twitter x
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools