The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
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My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food