An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
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Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient