Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
You Might Also Like
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
What a website
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?