Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
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It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Pizza is an emotion right?
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.