[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
The Onion called it…again.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
i love meeting boys on tinder
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.