Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
You Might Also Like
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.