Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
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Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
it’s finally my moment to shine
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I’m not proud
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions