You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
You Might Also Like
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Cheers Twitter.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
never forget
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”