Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
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me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.