Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
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This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.