the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*