Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
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Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?