Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Monday Lisa
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…